20) Vang Vieng- I'll Be There For You

The town my camera was stolen in was Vang Vieng, which means I have no photos of it. That’s probably a good thing in retrospect. Vang Vieng was a mess. It’s a nice town on a river that decided a few years ago to start building bars long the water where tourists go tubing. Now it’s Spring Break-fully. It’s a daily frat party on the river with rope swings that would make Tarzan crap in his loin cloth, followed by nightly hook-up fests at make-shift clubs that play bad dance music Cds on repeat. I found these images online. They DO NOT in the least bit do it justice.

And then there’s Friends. All the bars in town show Friends on DVD all day and night. I shit you not, it’s 24/7 Tribbiani. After a few days you learn to accept the sound of Smelly Cat and canned laughter as part of everyday life.

Oh, and did I mention the drugs? It’s also a haven for semi-legal narcotics. You can get pot anywhere as well as mushroom shakes and opium with only the slightest bit of effort. Basically it’s 1997- frat parties, Friends and way too many drugs. At my low moments I felt like I was back in Cutten dormitory. People walk around half-naked, half-stoned and fully-wasted with cuts and bruises all over their bodies from tubing and rope swing mishaps. Like Vegas, it was 2 days of “oh my god, this is heaven,” followed by the sudden realization that “I need to leave. Now. This place is dirty and I am a bad person for being here.” I stayed a few too many days and got sick again, which was a shock to no one.

Still, I did catch up with Chandler and the gang for the first time since ever. It’s not that I dislike Friends per se, but that I can never find a reason to watch it. There is literally always a better option of something to watch, somewhere to be or something to do. And I find this odd, because on paper it is a fine show. It was decently written, it had well developed characters with incredible arcs that lasted for years and it had a substantial appeal. It’s probably the most recognized and watched American sitcom overseas according to the foreigners I hung with in Vang Vieng.

So one might think that copious amounts of weed, opium and mushrooms would tie the package together in a nice bow, but I saw enough bug-eyed twenty-somethings turn blue and run from the sound of Ross’s voice that I can state conclusively that hallucinogens and Friends are not meant to be consumed in tandem.

Which got me thinking about what it would take to make Friends a must-watch, no-way-am-I-DVRing-this-show-because-I need-to-see-what-happens-right-this-fucking-second, sure-fire #1 hit for eternity. Just what would make me choose Friends over all other options, like I always seem to do with say Seinfeld?

The following is what I came up with. Now it should be noted that the producers clearly got it right on the first go-around, so I don’t want to reinvent the wheel here. I am simply proposing one change to each character to keep things fresh and create that “I can’t wait to see what happens next” phenomenon that Hollywood suits cream over. I believe these simple tweaks would ensure that the show (and the residual checks) never dies. Considering the careers of every single cast member post-Friends, I see this as an “everybody wins” scenario.

Rachel (Jennifer Anniston):

Naked

Jen would have to perform the entire series in the nude, with absolutely no air-brushing allowed. If she had her period one week while taping then it went on the air, tampon string hanging from the cooch and all. Considering America’s obsession with all things Aniston I think we’ve got a least a good ten years of male and female interest here. Also, there would be season-to-season changes in the bush, which would get its own spin-off, Aniston’s, in 2015. In Aniston’s, Jen’s vagina opens a Cheers-style bar in Tampa, FL. Basically it would be Cheers, except that all of the characters would be different versions of Brad Pitt from his most popular movie roles. The audience would watch Jen’s vagina duke it out each week with one of the Brad Pitt characters as guest appearances kept the action fresh. Oh, and Rhea Pearlman would reprise her role as Carla Tortelli, the salty waitress with a heart.

Monica (Courtney Cox Arquette):

Dresses like David Arquette and Morbidly Obese

Monica would be played fairly straight except that the “fat Monica” of several popular Friends episodes would become the regular Monica and her real-life husband David Arquette would become her personal stylist and makeup artist. And just to make things interesting the network would supply David Arquette with healthy amounts of the drugs he worked so hard to quit in the mid-90’s before each shoot. I think this would ensure lots of plus-sized, blue/yellow/orange/green/etc. women's suits, as well as plenty of episodes where, for no reason, Monica is dressed like the Joker, full makeup and all.

Joey (Matt LeBlanc):

Missing Limb

Joey would be missing a different limb every episode, with no explanation whatsoever as to why and no recognition in the dialogue as to Joey’s condition. The beauty would lie in watching the other “actors” trying to ignore the human carnage and deliver their lines with a straight face. To be clear, I don’t mean an arm innocently tucked in his shirt with one sleeve cut off. I mean recently amputated, blood spurting everywhere, raw NC-17 gore on every episode. During Sweeps he would be missing his head and his lines would be delivered through a voice simulator attached to the remains of his vocal chords.

Chandler (Matthew Perry):

Replaced by Lucha Libre star

The character of Chandler would be replaced by a popular Lucha Libre Mexican Wrestler in full regalia. He would deliver all his lines in Spanish, followed by putting his scene partner in a headlock. He would also "tag out" with extras throughout each episode, creating the play-at-home Friends game, where viewers had to try to follow who was playing Chandler at any given time. At the series finale in 2050 it would be revealed that under the mask Mathew Perry was playing the Mexican wrestler, playing Chandler the whole time. Minds will explode and then melt as shocked Friends fans across the country tried to process the implication of this.

Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow):

Invisible

The character of Phoebe would not change at all on paper, with regular lines being written for her each week. The change would occur, however, in the fact that Phoebe would be completely invisible to everyone around her. So rather than enjoying her powers and playing pranks on the gang, she would, for all intents and purposes, be dead to her cast members (like Patrick Swayze in Ghost) with no one responding to or acknowledging her. By decree of NBC and as part of everyone’s contract, this silent treatment would extend offstage and Lisa Kudrow would be ignored by her cast mates on the set, in public and at press junkets for the life of the series. Directors would encourage Lisa Kudrow to use her real feelings of abandonment and rejection by letting her character act out her real life frustrations on screen. Basically there would be lots of crying and yelling by an exasperated Phoebe, but always to no avail.

Ross (David Schwimmer):

Dead

Ross’s character would be killed off in the first episode, but as a twist the gang would have to keep him around Weekend-At-Bernie’s style to hold onto their cherished apartment lease. The idea being that since Ross is the only gainfully employed friend, he is the sole lease holder. Ross’s bloated purple corpse would be carted around each episode with routine half-priced embalming runs to Mexico worked into the plot each season. This would be where the effects crew got to shine, as Ross’s body would disintegrate over time at the rate at which a real dead body would decay (hair and fingernails growing well passed death, etc.) The Ross-Rachel saga would continue unabated except when they finally did get together it would be pure unadulterated necrophilia.

Special Guest Stars:

Lit on Fire

All celebrity guest stars will be lit on fire at some point in the episode. They will not be extinguished and will have to finish the show in flames.

And there you have it- an international hit turned into a life-long cash cow. Can you imagine the licensing possibilities of limbless Joey alone? People would buy each missing-limbed Joey individually until they were released in 2025 as a collectible set. Cha-Ching.

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At the risk of driving this joke into the ground, the following is an excerpt from what I imagine a typical scene might be. Tell me this isn’t television gold?

Location: Central Perk

Scene: The gang gathers after work to meet Rachel’s blind date, Rick, played by John Stamos

[Enter Rick]

Rick (to Joey): Hi, I’m looking for Rachel.

[Enter Rachel, buck naked carrying a mug of coffee]

[audience howls]

Joey: There she is.

Rick: Wow, does she always dress like that?

Joey: You mean naked?

[audience laughter]

Rick: I’m Rick

[Rick extends his arm to shake Joey’s hand, but can not since Joey is missing his arm]

Rick: Oops.

[audience laughter]

Joey: I’m Joey and this is Chandler

Chandler: Viva la Chandler!

[Chandler picks up Rick and body slams him on the coffee table, breaking it. Rick lands on his back underneath Monica, looking directly up at her]

Monica: And I’m Monica. We’ve heard so much about…

[Monica, dressed like Nikki Six from the Theater of Pain tour, spontaneously vomits on Rick’s face for 15 seconds, finishing with a dainty burp.]

Monica: Excuse me. Big lunch.

[huge audience laugh]

Rick: That’s OK, I love pizza

[audience laugh]

[enter Phoebe]

Phoebe: Oh my god you guys, you are never going to believe what happened to me today.

[her grand entrance is met with total silence]

Phoebe: Seriously guys, I saw someone get killed on the subway.

Joey: So Rick, tell us about yourself.

Phoebe: Please you guys, I really need a friend right now. I am seriously freaked out.

Rick: Did you hear something?

[audience laugh]

Rick: Anyway, I work at the Bronx Zoo

Monica: Oh Ross, did you hear that? Ross works at the Natural History Museum

[unable to answer, Ross’s corpse slumps further into his chair, causing his eye to fall out of its socket onto his cheek where it stays connected to his body by a string of dried blood vessels]

Monica: Ross, that’s rude! I’m sorry Rick, he sort of has a thing for Rachel.

Rick: That’s cool, I…

[Rick spontaneously bursts into flames. After a few seconds his skin begins to melt off of his body]

Rick: Well, we should be going Rachel if we are going to make the party.

Rachel: Sure, just let me get my jacket.

[Rachel stands completely still for five seconds]

Rachel: OK, ready

[Rick and Rachel make their way to the door]

Rick: Wow Rachel, you’ve got some really great friends

Rachel: I know. Hey, is it getting hot in here?

[audience laugh]

Rick: Well now that you mention it…

[Suddenly Chandler drops from the ceiling, crushing Rick’s flaming body]

Rachel: Chandler! Now how am I going to find a date to the party?

Phoebe: You could take Ross.

[silence from the group]

Monica [as she lifts her face from a chocolate cake]: You could take Ross.

[audience laugh]

Phoebe: God damn it guys. This is really not funny anymore.

[big audience laugh]

Rachel: What do you say Ross?

[Ross’s inflamed black tongue protrudes slightly from mouth]

Rachel: That’s as close to yes and I am going to get. OK Ross, let’s go.

[Rachel pics up Ross’s corpse and throws it over her shoulder]

Joey: Bye guys. [to Ross] Dude, don’t forget to play it cool.

Monica [chewing on a stick of butter wrapped in ham]: I don’t think that is going to be a problem

[Rachel carries Ross’s corpse over Rick’s flaming body and out the front door]

[end scene]