8) The Vietnamese are Just Like Us!

2/17 -3/11

Vietnam:
Were you in the shit? Yeah. I was in the shit.

After nearly a month in Vietnam I can honestly say...
And it's true, the Vietnamese are just like us. They...

Listen to bad music














Like things that sparkle

Play badminton in the park

Jazzercise (also in the park

Share combs and toothbrushes. This was available for public use at an interstate rest stop. No amount of disinfectant could make me come close to using these.

Make popped rice. Suck it Redenbacher.

Videotape everything

Giggle like mad at inappropriate moments. In this case our shoeless captain was convulsing with laughter as he parked a massive ferry carrying at least 500 people. I think illicit substances may have been involved. Sadly, I'm sure he could get a job as a Staten Island Ferry Operator in all of 2 seconds.

Enjoy a sexy mud wrestle. This guy is wrestling a bucket. Not quite naked co-eds, but I'll take it.

Encourage a modicum of dental hygiene. This does as much to make me want to get a checkup as selling bogus slogans on toothbrushes.

Speaking of which...

I doubt Dr. Happy would be so happy if he knew that his name was being used to sell a toothbrush covered in dirt at a gas station.

And the Vietnamese will put absolutely anything on a moped. For example:

Steel crates

Major home appliances

Whole brass sections of the Saigon Philharmonic

Another bike

And even me

But back to business, the Vietnamese ...

Dress their bike gangs in non-threatening outfits to lull you into a false sense of security. I barely escaped with my life when this crew rolled past.

Have make-shift bidets in public bathrooms. "Toilet shower?" I don't care what you call it, there ain't no way I'm sticking a garden hose up my ass unless I see cash first.

Sell used drinks at convenient stores. I don't see what's so convenient about getting SARS from a can of Fanta.

Jeopardize their lives with an insane network of power lines. I feel like I could get electrocuted just looking at this.

Trash their own country. Sigh.

Revere celebrities. Had I been able to ship this home for a decent price I would have been ALL over this gem. I've never seen the Olsens captured so accurately. Don' they look just like little plastic Joan Rivers'-In-training? Brilliant.

On a side note, does anyone know the plural of Joan Rivers? Joan Riverses'?

Anyway, they...

Love Redbull. I swear, it's the new coke. But somehow "I'd like to buy the world a redbull..." just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Make awesome shit out of tiny shells. Why can't the good folks in Avalon, NJ be this creative?

Have livestock everywhere

And they eat some funky shit. Like:

Oh I don't know, a whole pigs head

Unidentified sea creatures

No comment

Pig innards. Sorry, I'm still full from the nail salad

Well maybe just a bite if you put it in a soup

And baddass booze. I feel tough when I hit the blackhaus, but moonshine with a cobra and a scorpion in it? I'm a child, I now realize

And finally... The Vietnamese are Just Like Us. They...

Smoke massive tobacco hits from bamboo bongs. These people would take Marley-sized pulls of shredded tobacco and not even blink. If the Chinese don't get em', cancer will.

Make their political opinions known. Who says the Communist Party silences dissidents?

Sell really generic sounding children's toys. The genius that came up with 'Galaxy Warrior' is the same man behind the short-lived 'Space Ranger' craze of the 80's. He's currently working on his comeback with 'Power Force, Expedition X.' Even he doesn't know what it's about, but the kids are gonna love it.

Get excited about cleanliness. Yes, let's wash! Great call.

Are obsessed with Mickey Mouse. Cowboy Mickey is way lame compared to Wizard Mickey. For my money, Wizard Mickey was the only decent one. How gay does Cowboy Mickey look? I'll bet you breakfast those chaps are ass-less.

Cook on an open flame. It's all in the squat

Live in the past. They forgot to wish me a Happy Mothers Day 1986. I think that was the year I got my mother soap. Umm, you're welcome mom.

Look at me like I'm crazy. You want a piece of this? Yeah bitch, I didn't think so.

Have President's Day 'Everything Must Go' sales. In this case what 'must go' are 2GB flash drives, Anti-virus Software and irons from the 1960's. Random, right?

So ok, the Vietnamese are nothing like us. Or maybe they are. I already forget. But I do know that they are a lovely and kind peoples who generally seemed happy to meet me and mostly psyched about life. Except in the north. In the north I got yelled at by women. Lots. They would just start screaming at the littlest things. I guess valium is illegal there. But all-in-all it was an amazing month. Details to come.