7) Sydney> Perth: The end of Oz

2/11

Travel in Australia really blows my mind. You can't bring water on an airplane, but in the entire time I was there, including 5 domestic flights, at no point was I asked for an ID. I could have booked the ticket under the name Sally Struthers and still boarded the plane no problem. And yet they go to great lengths to tell people what you can't bring on board.

This handy little airport display, for example, spells out the Do's and Don'ts of air travel in no uncertain terms. Terrorists take note.

So that's a no-go on bling…

And on prehistoric dental tools. Got it.

This is the name of my new band. Our first album Full, Upright and Locked Position drops this fall. Look for it at Target.

2/12

Apparently taxis double as hearses in Sydney. Rates are cheap but you have to ride with someone's dead grandma in the back. A fair trade, I suppose.

The Aussie flag flying at half-mast for the bush fires. I have never seen a country rally like this behind a catastrophe. For weeks after you were asked to donate to the Australian version of FEMA everywhere- movies, gas stations, flights... even at traffic lights. Brownie may have done a "hell of a job" with Katrina, but he could take a page out of these kids' book.

Under the "here's something you don't see everyday" heading- a skateboarder carrying a surfboard in the downtown financial district.

Ditto this headline. Strictly.

No matter where you are, trams make you feel like you're at Disney World, right? Next stop, Space Mountain.

Really? A batman handbag? How old are you? Heath's performance was good, but not that good.

But maybe her bag was just a salute to the bat, a marvel of Sydney. What other major world city do you see giant bats like this in? And no one there even seems to notice them. So weird.

Speaking of bizarre flying animals, these little buggers are the pigeons of Sydney. Even a hardened New Yorker like me who doesn’t even flinch at rats anymore got freaked when they started circling me. Seriously guys, if you want my sushi that bad all you have to do is ask.

2/13

Spooky. I should never have left the house.

But my fans demanded an appearance. I found it odd that I was not offered the lead in Carmen following this display of my prowess, but maybe they didn’t want me upstaging the locals. Understandable.

And that night I took in Madame Butterfly at the Opera House. It’s really an extraordinary building

A public sculpture I saw that day- I like this a whole lot

And I like this a lot too. It’s not quite public art, but it might as well be. It’s a plastic guard to keep squirrels and the like from climbing trees. They captured the look of terror and confusion on this guy’s face perfectly. It’s like coming across a single frame from an old Warner Brothers cartoon stapled to a tree. So good.

And smack in the middle of the beautiful Sydney Botanical Gardens… this guy! He’s so wacky he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I looked for the used car sale but it was nowhere to be found.

2/14

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Things I won’t buy today:

1) The large red statue on the top row

2) All the other statues

Does everyone feel like they never find their name on these things? I mean really, how many Rod’s are buying vanity plates these days anyway? What a waste.

The Japanese will do anything to get a good photo. They really are the ultimate tourists

Spits in hand

How stoned is this pizza? And he simply loves it. I wonder if pie face ever considers eating himself when he gets the munchies

And for Valentine’s Day dinner? Why pure Bavarian fun, of course.

By which I mean mass quantities of German meat

My date for the big day was the new love of my life- Kid Kuala. He laid down a great set for my last night in Australia. I’m not sure who this other dude is, but he seems pretty cool. Just don’t touch my man, ok guy? He’s spoken for.

2/15

And off again to the western city of Perth

Finally, the return of Vince Colosimo. I kept saying he was due for a comeback, but no one believed me. All you naysayers can wait till Customs drops, then we’ll see who’s washed up.

Jesus dude; lighten up- you must be a gas at parties. The only 12 steps this guy needs are 11 shots of bourbon and one good whack with the party stick. One night with me and he’ll get it back.

2/16

Perth was cool, but after 2 weeks of rain I just hit the beach for 2 days

And thank god I did, or I would have missed these. Is Metallica really selling board shorts? What’s next, a tasteful collection of Metallica scarves? Are there other metal band-bathing suits I don’t know about? If so, please note that I am a huge RAT fan and my birthday is July 25th. Just sayin.

Tiers of grass leading up to the beach- what a great idea! That way you don’t have to get sandy if you don’t want. It’s like combining a sunny day at the park with a trip to the ocean. Urban planners take note

The Last Supper:
My final meal in Australia. I can't think of anything more appropriate than fish and chips (with a beer, of course) eaten on the beach at sunset. Goodbye, really chill version of the States.