6) The Whitsunday Islands, or should I say Shitsunday Islands

I was thrilled to go to the Whitsunday Islands, which I heard were one of the most beautiful spots in the world for scuba diving and general seaside merriment. It was a strong Erica Sawyer recommendation.

A haiku for Sawyer:

Your hair burns like fire

Red, alight like a phoenix

Does carpet match drapes?

Unfortunately it rained for 3 days straight and I was stuck at sea in a near-monsoon.

Revised haiku for Sawyer:

Broken dream builder

Do you delight in my pain?

Taste my tears, you bitch

"Don't tase me bro"- actually this clever device was not designed to stun would-be rapists, but to alert me that my spring rolls were ready at the airport. I feel like someone here might have mistaken a Star Trek Convention for a restaurant supply chain.

First I have to take off my shoes at airport security and now I can't bring vials of blood on board? What's next, no dead kittens in the overhead compartment? Fucking fascists.

Aboard the mighty Anaconda 3. As Sir Mix-a-Lot instructed I brought my buns, as the vessel didn't want "none" unless I had them. This was the absolute clearest it got for 72 hours.

Things To Do Aboard a 100 ft Yacht in the Pouring Rain:

Smoke

Reconsider smoking

Play cards

Watch the Never Ending Story- apparently they play this in England every year at Christmas. Silly Brits.

Get engaged. These crazy kids did on the second day. God's speed you impulsive 21 year-old nuts.

Pretend to sunbathe below deck

Smoke

Pretend you're Charlie's Angles. I'm the hot one, no doubt.

Strut around in your nighty

Host a make-your-own-taco day

Talk to the surly skipper about genetically modified foods... for like 4 hours. I know old folks can be opinionated, but this cat took the cake.

Watch Lord of the Rings Three. A word of advice- when Sean Astin tells you to destroy an all-powerful ring in a pit of lava you damn well better listen. I don't care if you are Elijah Wood. When you enter Mordor you check your ego at the door kid.

Practice synchronized diving for the 2012 London Olympics

Come back to shore and get blitzed

Really? Are they fucking kidding? Paddy Shenanagins? Yes, this place actually exists. Speachless.

Editor's note- this blog is getting incredibly hard to do abroad, hence the month of silence. Some really kind people have given me encouraging words, upon which I am currently riding and charging ahead. I'd like to note that I think Blogspot is one of the worst websites of all time and I in no way endorse them. NEVER start a blog on this site. Formatting posts on this site is like trying to describe a sunset to a blind person. I hate (and I do mean hate) them. Just saying.