11) Hoi An, Hoi An, it's a hell-of-a-town

It is indeed. Custom clothes + cooking school + beaches = Hoi An. If this place had skiing and impov I might just move there.

2/27

More like the audacity of you. As soon as I saw this I knew this woman was American. Nice try with the far-from-subtle Obama placement. Are you even reading this book? Or did you finish it weeks ago and now keep it on display in some lame attempt at extending a global handshake?

“Look everyone, it’s a new era with a new leader. And he’s black! So are we cool now?” Shit like this makes me want to wear a shirt that says “Bush 2012: watch your ass world, or we’ll do it again.”

Central Vietnam. It’s pronounced DE-VEL-OP-MENT

That’s right, sound it out. Now put it all together…

DEVELOPMENT. Very good children. Gold stars for all.

When “clever” signs appealing to westerners move in, you either get out your checkbook and invest or get out of town.

2/28

Hoi An was small and cute like a slender Vietnamese boy. What? Nevermind. It had lots of colonial French architecture which made wandering the streets an activity in itself.

2/29

Making custom clothing from scratch is actually quite difficult, as you need to really know (or have a strong idea of) what you want when you get started.

This became my model

With a collar like this

And an A-line finish like this

And a day later, voila

In the end I got 2 suits (a two-button, high-lapel gray number and a classic one-button black), 2 pairs of shorts, some custom sneakers and an overcoat. All prepared by the lovely Vee.

Vee’s youngest was named King- an all-star little boy. He's super into the Stooges. Or the peace sign. Either way King, I’m with you.

3/1

I somehow got hooked up with Vee’s family and spent a few days at locals-only gigs

Like this going away party

I think the Dad wanted me to marry his other daughter Mee

Or maybe his youngest, Nee (far right). Check out the little perv copping feels off his cousins.

Vee, Mee and Nee? Are they your daughters or notes in the Vietnamese scale? Vee, a deer, a female deer…

Speaking of Dad, this man was the best. His plump self would ride around town all day on a Harley, gold chains a-flashin. It’s good to have inspiration and aspiration in life, and this man was both for me. One day Robby, one day.

Dinner rocked.

Here’s a game, can you find what’s wrong with this picture? I’ll give you a hint. It’s the chicken’s head starring at you.

These two brothers got me wasted. “Cheers” in Vietnamese is pronounced “yo,” very loudly and harshly. It’s fun to say but quite unsettling to hear. I wasn’t sure if I was about to do a shot or get thrown in a bamboo prison cell.

3/2

This helmet came with my moped. I’m driving to the beach fellas, not blasting off to Mars

Holy shit. Someone alert PETA immediately. Alert the media. Alert Jon Cobb. Alert the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition. Just start making calls quick while I go vomit in the corner.

The Vietnamese Penny Marshall- Squiggy would have had a field day with her.

See what I mean?

Groovin with Penny.

I don’t know what this man is selling, but I’m buying

3/3

Nice and relaxing

And my cooking class was great fun

But then things went wrong

Right around 10 PM, actually

This place was a world-class dive bar. Ignore the blonds and check out the background. It might as well be Ave A

Regret. It’s a bitch. This hangover was global. It resembled our current financial crisis in its sweeping ability to infiltrate all sectors and cripple everything in its path. I was laid up in bed for most of the next day. Thank god for HBO. Seriously, if there is a god I want to say thank you for the Bourne Ultimatum. Thank you for Hoosiers. Hell, I'll even say thanks for Music and Lyrics By. Couldn't have done it without you buddy.